I've wanted to WWOOF since I found out about the organization in college. Some time last year I asked my girlfriend, Charlotte, whether she would want to WWOOF with me some day. I had fantasized about traveling west and eventually ending up in California, but that was mostly a last ditch effort of mine to try to find something to do with my life. I had just decided to leave college because I was so depressed that I was either going to kill myself or stop going there and do something else, but I was too depressed to be on my own, WWOOFing with strangers that I spent all of my time with. I did it for three weeks and then just went back to PA, tried to find a job or an apprenticeship in something like woodworking or whatever, but I couldn't. Apprenticeships had long gone out of style. After a couple months of searching, I ran out of money and had to move back in with my family. What a huge step back. I specifically moved out and gave my sister my room (she had been sharing a room with my grandma) halfway through college. Now I had to share the room with my grandma. After I moved back, I decided that I wanted to see whether I could hold a job and an apartment for at least a year. I knew I needed to work on myself and so I found a therapist with my mom's help (and funding). I decided that when I was able to take care of and support myself properly, I would get a dog (still don't have one because money and also traveling but Charlotte and I both can't wait to get one or two or also a cat). Miraculously, a month or so later, I got a job through one of my friends from college, working in her parents' printing and mailing company.
So here we are almost three years later, about to begin a cross-country journey. A few months ago we really started asking people whether they would host us. We've been thinking about this for a pretty long time. I am still not completely aware of the fact that we will be leaving our lives behind completely. I feel like we are dying. Life as we know it is literally ending, and that's been a lot to deal with for me. I just managed (somehow) to stop being depressed in December but this exodus is still a lot to deal with. I don't think I would be able to do it at all without Charlotte and I would have a really hard time if I was still depressed. I mean, I had been depressed since probably middle school - just about as long as I have been a person, a human with real thoughts.
The timing was decided easily because our lease is ending with August, Charlotte wasn't particularly attached to her job, and I am ready to start working more in depth with computers and get back into science in general (plus we're slow in the summer so the transition shouldn't be too bad for my coworkers). I guess after I realized that I went to college to mostly study myself through psychology and then sociology and then philosophy and finally women's studies, my love of physics returned. I left college partly because it was too intellectual but ironically filled with people who didn't give a shit about actually learning. I didn't feel like I really learned how to do anything, how to produce and work with my hands. I felt like I had no set of actual, tangible skills. Obviously staying on various farms across the country is the only way to do some real work and learn a lot of useful/handy shit, so here I go!
We've been nailing down actual dates and places to stay for a couple of months and I have a shitty little map that I drew one night I was feeling particularly productive (we stayed up until 2 plotting the route and talking about the journey).
I've had a few little moments that ended up being huge markers of change. I stayed with my friend Jason in Maryland for a weekend and couldn't get myself to leave on Sunday because it would mean I was that much closer to leaving my current life. That was the last time I would see him until we pass through Maryland on our way to West Virginia after Maine. I stayed at his house until 9 or something, barely getting enough rest and sleep for work the next day. I meant to leave in the morning but I was nowhere near ready then. There was (and is) still so much to talk about.
I finally sold my car Thursday night and we feel so much better now. We don't care about any of the other shit we have to get rid of. Such a huge load off. This is also where most of our money from the trip comes from. Speaking of which I've been pretty bitter about how much money I put into it and how little I'm going to get for it. I spent pretty much all of my extra money for almost two years on that thing. I didn't get to spend any money on classes (I really really want to blow glass again and I would have tried to find some kind of computer science class or something related to physics/engineering) or on almost anything else, really. It's really nice to finally have it off my hands, though, and I guess it is much better that I get some money than none and get stuck with it.
I'll also obviously have so much more time and energy to teach myself shit once I have no job I need to go to to pay rent and other stupid bills. Fuck that. I definitely can't wait to not worry so much about money. I think I waste too much of my time thinking about (read: obsessing over) money.
It's fucking scary, though. I am going to feel less in control of my life, I think, but at the same time much more responsible for myself and the things I am doing and thinking about. I'm worried that I won't be spending my time wisely, that I'll be wasting too much of it not learning all the shit I feel like I need to be learning about. (Aside: I think I'll end up partly using this blog to document my mental travels as well, sometimes making lists of shit I am currently learning about and whatever.) That right there is another big problem I have to deal with, and fast. I decided a long time ago that I want to work for Tesla and eventually SpaceX, and it took a while after that to decide that computer science and programming might be the way to do that. I started trying to learn some programming languages and made some good initial progress (I was also taking like three other classes at the same time), but that only really lasted for two months or so. I made a packed schedule for myself and stuck to it for a while, but it was clearly just too much for me to handle quite yet. Unfortunately I also had, somewhere along the way, linked any failure to learn computer science (or not keeping up a quick pace) with death. If I don't learn how to program and work with computers then I won't be able to work for Elon Musk and I will just die. Nothing will go right, I will be a total failure, and I will just shrivel up and cease.
Obviously that's not gonna be the case, but try telling me that. I occasionally feel insane because I know things intellectually to be true but I don't actually believe them or feel them, not one bit. It's some kind of depression residue I guess that will take a while to wipe off. I just have a hyperactive brain and really take things to extremes pretty much constantly. I almost never stop thinking which is tremendous when you're also very depressed (weed helped and I smoked very often until a few weeks ago, but now I just feel like I have big and important things to focus my time and efforts on and can't let myself get waylaid or make too many soft decisions. Besides, I don't need it to help with depression anymore, it was just like an old, comfortable blanket I was unwilling to fling off myself in the desolate wasteland of my mind. It's very sunny there and has been for a few months, I was just too nervous and nostalgic because relapses are horrific. I feel like I'm past relapsing so it's really time to completely move on.). (how about that parenthetical run-on andor terrible grammer its gr8 i luv it)
I should mention properly that the big reason to travel is to end up in California, specifically. We are not just interested in being nomadic, we are traveling to a place. Charlotte has already lived in California and loved it, I want to be where Elon Musk is so I can work for and eventually with him. I learned about him after coming back from a camping trip last Memorial Day (I got the flu right as we hiked in to our campsite which was fantastic), when I read about him and the things he's doing, mostly on the blog waitbutwhy.com. That was around when I finally started to formulate some sort of direction and aspirations, which actually had a hell of a lot to do with overcoming depression. Somewhat indirectly, Elon Musk is my hero. I was so glad to see someone so brilliant doing such wonderful things for the right reasons and in the right ways. It gave me a great example of someone who can help enact tremendous change. I didn't really think it was possible, I just thought I was crazy for wanting to learn and do everything (though that's clearly still the case). I plan to learn a lot in my free time while we are WWOOFing specifically to become hireable by people like Musk.
Not to mention all that I will learn while actively working on and for all of these farms, homesteads, and communities would be grossly irresponsible. I fully expect to gain a tremendous set of skills during every one of our stays. We have managed to find some amazing people doing wonderful things, and I am very excited to gain most of the skills I will need to eventually be able to live self-sufficiently (something I've wanted since before college). I'm going to see people actually producing for and by themselves. I will no longer need to outsource my own body's energy and nutrition. I'll get to see custom renewable energy installations, food growing and preparing methods, and building practices. I don't even understand how much I'm going to learn and grow, I have just focused on planning things to teach myself with the help of computer and internet. I fully expect to grow more than I did throughout all of college and it's exhilarating and vaguely horrifying to even think about.
I'm definitely ready for some rebirthing.
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